CHAPTER XXV

Gemma’s Eucharistic Devotion

THIS FAITHFUL Servant of God, guided as she was in the way of Sanctity, knew how to choose in it that which was most solid and perfect. All the devout practices commonly in use among the faithful pleased her, and she rejoiced at seeing them taken up by many. But she confined her own choice to very few. They were: first, devotion to the Sacred Humanity of the Word Incarnate, and to His Passion; then devotion to the Mother of God, specially in her Dolours; finally, devotion to the Blessed Eucharist. The first touched the very center of her heart and stimulated her to sacrifice; the second comforted her and filled her with filial confidence; the third fed her soul, and satiating it, enabled her to lead a heavenly life on earth.

We have already treated of her extraordinary fervor in the two first mentioned devotions. It now remains for me to speak of the third, and here also I have to relate great things; things so singular as to lead us to believe that God by a special providence raised up this child of heaven at a time of so much falling away in piety, as an example and stimulus to Christians to venerate and love the most Holy Sacrament of the Altar. The Blessed Eucharist is by excellence the Mystery of Faith; Mysterium fidei.

Gemma had such a vivid faith that in her it seemed to be changed into evidence. She had indeed a pure heart, and our Lord has said that He allows Himself to be seen by those who are pure and clean of heart. She was humble and simple as a little child, and our Lord has said that to such souls He manifests the hidden things of His Wisdom and Goodness. Thus then with the clear and penetrating glance of virginity, of simplicity, of immaculate purity, and with the vivid light that faith infused into her during her sublime contemplations, she was able to see clearly into this Sacrament and measure the width and the depth of Its mysteries.

For us, in order to enter into communication with the hidden God in the Blessed Eucharist it is necessary to collect our thoughts and excite our faith and devotion by repeated acts, with Gemma it was enough to recall it to mind, if indeed that was needed, as her thoughts were continually with It. So much so, that turning to the altar in thought she at one beheld our Lord exposed thereon, felt Him present with her, and with her whole being and almost, I might say, with all her bodily senses she rejoiced in the presence of that sweet Majesty.

In order to form a just idea of the great ardor of her devotion it would be necessary to have heard all that this blessed child said on the subject, and read all she wrote about it in her letters, as well as what others gathered from her lips during her ecstatic colloquies. It would be impossible to give all Gemma’s inspired words regarding this mystery in this biography. But I cannot withhold from my readers a selection of edifying extracts that I have collected from her thoughts as expressed in writing, her sayings to others, and the outpourings of her soul while in ecstasy. I begin with her ideas of the Blessed Eucharist.

“My father,” she once wrote, “you will find a letter without sense; it does not matter; let me speak of Holy Communion: I cannot contain myself. Is it possible that there are souls who do not understand what the Blessed Eucharist is? Who are insensible to the Divine Presence; to the mysterious ardent effusions of the Sacred Heart of my Jesus? O Heart of Jesus! Heart of Love!”

“How sweet the Spirit of Jesus is! Oh what is it that ever induced Jesus to communicate Himself to us in such an enchanting and wonderful way? Just think—Jesus our food! Jesus my food! At this moment, what would I not wish to say to you? But I fail in the attempt; I succeed only in crying, and in repeating: Jesus my food! And in thinking that Jesus has done this through the immense love He has for us.”

And that weeping of hers was continuous as it was also spontaneous and sweet. To put it in her own words it was “a weeping in silence, with tears of gratitude and heavenly happiness.”

In an ecstasy, speaking with her God she was heard to express her happiness and thankfulness as follows: “I know that You hast not given me temporal and passing riches; but You hast given me the true wealth, that is the nourishment of the Eucharistic Word. What would become of me if I did not dedicate all my affections to the Sacred Host? Oh! yes, I know it, Lord; that in order to make me deserve a paradise in Heaven, You give me Communion here on earth.”

It seemed almost that she made no difference between the delights of heaven and those of the “paradise of Jesus” that are tasted on earth at the Holy Table. At other times, speaking likewise in ecstasy, she called the Eucharist the “Academy of Paradise where one learns how to love;” and explaining this thought she added: “The school is the supper-room, Jesus is the Master, the doctrines are His Flesh and Blood.”

From these words and others like them it is easy to gather some idea of how many treasures of celestial wisdom she discovered in the mystery of the Blessed Eucharist. As we go on we shall find, at every step, fresh proofs of the sublime idea that Gemma had of this Divine Sacrament. Although this blessed child was always deep in thought, and always found herself in spirit before the sacred Tabernacle, yet she was not fully satisfied unless she could go to church, and there adore her hidden God.

In order to avoid singularity, which she always detested, she contented herself with going to the Church only twice a day; in the morning when she went to hear Mass and receive Holy Communion, and in the evening for the public Adoration. “I am going to Jesus,” she used to say; “let us go to Jesus; He is all alone and no one thinks of Him; poor Jesus!”

On entering the sacred building she turned her first anxious gaze towards the Tabernacle. Then devoutly recollected and as if quite alone before the Altar of the Blessed Sacrament she remained kneeling motionless in prayer.

She never turned her eyes from where they were first fixed, and except for the glow on her face and occasional tears that trickled down her cheeks, you would not have distinguished her from any others attentively engaged in prayer.

“Oh! what immense happiness and joy,” she has said, “my heart feels before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament! And if Jesus would allow me to enter the sacred Tabernacle, where He, Soul, Body, Blood and Divinity is present, should I not be in Paradise?”

And turning to Our Lord Himself in His Sacrament, “Jesus,” she exclaimed, “Soul of my soul, my Paradise, Holy Victim, behold me all Thine. I felt that You were seeking me and I ran.”

And then with filial confidence she continued to say that she had come to keep Him company, and offer herself wholly to Him, and present Him some little acts of virtue practiced for His love, and to receive any orders He might wish to give her, or at least to listen to some sweet word; but above all, to ask His Love, Love, Love.

And with what an impulse of faith did she not make these acts! Here are some of her words spoken in ecstasy: “O, Jesus Behold me before Thee. Before Thee I present my soul; soul, O Jesus, that You hast created not from Thy substance but by means of the Word which You art Thyself; not from any other elementary matter. Ah! this spiritual soul that You hast created, that must live for ever, that You hast sanctified, purified in Thy holy Font. Ah! . . .”

And here she ceased to speak, continuing mentally to unfold her thoughts. Then she went on: “If down here that which is good gives such delight, what sort of bliss must not come with Thee Who art the King of all that is good? The pleasure afforded on this earth by created things is totally different from that which is found in Thee Who art the Creator. See, O Jesus, when a creature desires anything even though she succeeds in obtaining it she is not content, she is never satisfied, she dies without obtaining all that she desires. You alone do satisfy, You alone do purify, You alone renderest immaculate those who live in Thee, and in whom You live. This thought excites her love and she exclaims: “Ah! I have found out Thy habitation, O Jesus. You dwell in the soul that You hast created to Thine own image, in the soul that seeks Thee, that loves Thee, that desires Thee. Oh! my poor soul has understood the riches of Thy love!”

And humbling herself as she always did, even in the midst of the most ravishing heavenly communications, she continued: “I am Thine, I am Thine, O Jesus. You wouldst have good reason to complain of me, yes, because I have offended Thee; and undeserving as I am I should be obliged to give back to the Altar so many stolen Breads, and so much precious Blood; but I promise Thee amendment; only do not cut short the current of Thy favors. Rather make me die, than that I should be wanting in fidelity and love. What do You want, O Jesus, what do You want? Is it that my love be unchangeable? To that end I will nourish myself every day with Thy Flesh and Blood.”

Thanking our Lord for the victories gained over the enemy, she was once heard to say: “This morning You hast conquered, O Jesus. After I received Thee I began to think of the hard—fought battles in which with Thy help I conquered the Devil. Oh, I counted many such victories. Who knows how many times without Thy aid my faith, hope and charity would have failed me? My understanding would have been darkened if You, Eternal Sun, hast not enlightened it. And my love; how many times would it not have grown weak if You had not come to strengthen it with Thy Presence? But You with Thy fire didst inflame it. I know it: all was the work of Thy Love; all were victories of this Thine Infinite Love. And now O Lord, ought not I to be grateful?”

Then dwelling in more emphatic words on this tender thought she exclaimed: “My God, open Thy Heart to me, O Jesus, open to me Thy Sacramental breast because I wish to deposit all my affections therein. O Jesus, how greatly I love Thee! But why do You act with so much lovingness while I offend Thee with such countless ingratitudes? This thought alone, if I could but comprehend it, should be enough to turn me into a furnace of love; Is it not an irresistible love, to love Him Who is not angry with one who has offended Him? O Jesus, if I but considered attentively Thy immense solicitude for me, how greatly should I not excel in every virtue? Pardon me, O Jesus, so much carelessness, pardon such great ignorance. My God, Jesus my Love, Incarnate Goodness, what would have become of me if You had not drawn me to Thee? Open to me Thy Heart, open to me Thy Sacramental breast; I open mine to Thee.”

After having thus given vent to the impulses of her heart, repeating always the same ideas, but in ever-changing forms, she lapsed, as if tired, into silence. Then irradiated with heavenly light she was raised to highest contemplation. In these sublime elevations of spirit Jesus spoke to her heart and made her feel how pleased He was by her visits, and told her how they recompensed Him for the disregard of the greater part of men and for the outrages offered Him by sinners. He praised her fidelity, and declared Himself content, and ready to reward her with new graces and enrich her with fresh gifts, encouraging her to remain constant and return Him love for love. Such words inflamed her heart still more and she began again to speak, and after humbly confessing her unworthiness she asked: “Do You wish for love, O Jesus? But I have no more in my heart. Ah! I would wish to set all the creatures of the earth on fire with it.” And in an effort to make Him know how much she loved Him, with child-like confidence she added:

“Supposing, O Lord, that You were I, and I were Jesus, do You know what I would do? I would cease to be myself that You might become me. O God, O Jesus, I behold Thee greater than all the treasures of the earth. How gladly would I unite myself with Thy Angels! How willingly would I spend my whole being in Thy praises and remain for ever before Thee! But what do I say when I speak of Thee? I say what I can, but never what I ought! And if I do not know how to act, must I then be silent? No, because my Jesus must be loved and honored by all. Pay no attention to what I say to Thee with my mind (she says with my mind, because she speaks in ecstasy) but look into my whole being, my every secret is known to Thee, O Jesus. Therefore art You not convinced that I love Thee more than all else in Heaven and on Earth?”

These and the like were the affections that vibrated in that virgin heart in the presence of her God in the Blessed Sacrament. I could quote hundreds of them, all faithfully taken from her lips and scrupulously put down in writing; but my space will not allow of it. The reader will form an idea of them from those I have given. Owing to such ardent impulses of love her strength often failed her: “Ah!” she exclaimed, “I can bear it no longer; no, I cannot bear to think that Jesus in all the splendors of His most loving Heart, and in the marvelous expansion of His paternal Love, should thus manifest Himself to His lowest creature.”

On saying these words she fell fainting into the arms of her companion who, being prepared, knew how to dispose things so that no one in the Church should become aware of what had happened, and in this she always succeeded. On one occasion among many, having recovered from her weakness, Gemma said in her own enchanting way: “My beloved Jesus, but if You act in this way with everyone, making them burn before Thee as I do, people will not be able to support it or resist Thee.”

I once wrote and asked her if when she found herself before Jesus she would present me also to Him, and say to Him that I too wished to love Him. And here is the answer of this simple child: “But will it do, father? For what, if things should happen to you as to me? Who would hold a hand on your heart?” (she meant, to keep it quiet in impulses of love such as hers); and if you are alone you will fall to the ground. No, it won’t do.”

Whenever she felt those mysterious impulses coming on she hastened to leave the Church, as already mentioned, particularly when she was alone. “Ah!” she exclaimed, “I don’t know how so many who remain near Jesus don’t burn to nothing. To me it seems that if I were to stay there for barely a quarter of an hour I should become a heap of ashes.” Once while in ecstasy she was heard to say familiarly to our Lord: “Listen, Jesus, to what the Confessor asks me: What do you do Gemma when you are before Jesus? What do I do? If I am with Jesus Crucified I suffer, and if with Jesus in His Sacrament, I love.” Writing to personal friends, she invited them to come to the Blessed Sacrament, as the place of appointment. “Let us run to Jesus, Heart of Love, Heart full of tenderness. To-morrow morning I await you with Jesus. Let us remain together before Jesus in His Sacrament, and let us bless Jesus together.”

She herself was anxious that I should know exactly how she employed her day, in which among other things the first place was given to the hour of her visit morning and evening according to the season: “The morning with Jesus at seven o’clock; in the evening before Jesus at six o’clock during the whole winter, come and join me and help me to love our Great God.” She had also made an agreement with her more intimate friends to interchange their daily communions and her humility led her to believe that she was the gainer.

She remembered the bargain faithfully, and writing to those friends she reminded them of it: “Goodbye till Saturday. Remember the Communion on Friday.” Surely blessed are those friendships whose trysting-place is at the Feet of Jesus their Father and God! Let us examine more closely the culminating point of Gemma’s devotion—Holy Communion—in which precisely the Mystery of the Love of Jesus is accomplished. Would that she who so often disclosed to me the secrets of her soul on this subject would now enable me to relate adequately and exactly what she then told me of the fire that the Divine Spouse enkindled in her heart at the Holy Table.

It was her hunger and thirst for Holy Communion that made this young girl hover like a butterfly near the Tabernacle. Her heart longed for this Divine Food only. And we have seen that even when quite a child her ardent desire to make her first Communion almost brought her to death’s door. Now I add that this hunger and thirst, far from being satisfied by her daily Communion, kept on increasing until they consumed her whole being. “Every morning,” she said to me, “I go to Holy Communion; the greatest and only comfort I have, although I am in no wise provided with what is needed to worthily approach Jesus. The loving treatment that Jesus bestows on me every morning in the Holy Communion excites within me an unutterable sweetness and draws to itself all the weak affections of my miserable heart.” And then she exclaimed, “Behold O Lord, my heart and my soul; come Lord, I open my breast to Thee. Send in Thy Divine Fire; burn me, consume me, come and delay no longer; I would fain be the dwelling of all Thy fires.”

This desire grew stronger every evening, and, increasing every hour, sweetly tormented her all the night so as even to make her faint. Let us hear her describe it: “Last night and the night before while thinking of Holy Communion, I felt myself growing faint, and my heart was in commotion. Yesterday evening also before going to supper I said some prayers, among others this ejaculation: Grant, O Lord, that from this small supper, I may pass to enjoy Thy immense supper (the Blessed Eucharist) I stopped a few minutes to think of this and there and then, I felt forced towards Jesus”—(that is rapt in ecstasy). The same thing happens to me whenever I think of Jesus, particularly when He invites me to receive Him, and when He tells me that He is coming to repose in my heart.”

This went so far that her confessor, in order that she might have a few hours’ sleep, and that her health might not suffer, felt bound to forbid her stopping willfully during the night to think of her Communion of the following morning. In the morning, at break of day, already beside herself, she jumped out of bed, dressed in a few minutes and was ready to go to Church. Very often when I was receiving hospitality from that devout family, who are benefactors of our Institute, I was moved to tears at seeing Gemma standing with her hat on, absorbed in thought, at the door of her companion’s room, that they might go to Church together. . . . She seemed each morning as if she were getting herself ready for her nuptials, or as she put it: to go to the Feast of the Love of Jesus.

There certainly was not the least affectation in her manner, and I often caused her to be watched by others. It was observed however by the one who was generally with her that the dear child’s mind and heart at that time were in extraordinary activity.

It was impossible then to get her to speak except when it was fitting or necessary; and I have shown in another place how she avoided speaking even with her angel guardian when he appeared to her visibly, telling him confidentially to leave her alone as she had something better to think of.

She was so strongly impressed by the greatness of the action to be performed at the Altar that every other thought vanished from her mind. That will explain why she prepared so carefully for it. “It is a question,” she said, “of uniting two extremes; God Who is everything and the creature who is nothing; God Who is light and the creature who is darkness; God Who is holiness and the creature who is sin. It is a question of taking part at the Table of the Lord. There cannot be then enough preparation for it.”

Such thoughts made Gemma tremble; so much so, that if her great faith had not given her courage, although full of burning desires she would never have approached the Divine Table. In time of spiritual desolation as well as of heavenly unction, and even in the midst of the most intimate communication, of the Divine Lover, this struggle agitated her incessantly, causing her intense suffering so that she even complained of it lovingly to our Lord:

“Yes, I know, Jesus, it is better to receive Thee than to look at Thee, but I am afflicted because I feel that were I to prepare myself for years and years like the Angels, yet I should never be worthy to receive Thee. O Jesus, it is sweet to confess my misery before Thee. Help me, O Lord! Ah! I can still cast myself at Thy feet. I still love the Faith, and a thousand times I repeat and will continue to repeat, it is always better to receive Thee than to look at Thee.” This phrase was suggested to her by Jesus Himself, as is easily gathered from the context.

By this means, confidence tempering fear and fear moderating confidence, there came to be established in Gemma’s heart that balance of faith and of love so necessary for worthily receiving the Holy Communion.

One morning, Feast of the holy Martyr St. Laurence, she who knew how to draw spiritual profit from everything was heard to speak thus to Our Lord: “But, dear Jesus, what confusion this morning! You hast wished me to turn my thoughts to St Laurence, and I feel embarrassed looking at him in the midst of torments, while I in Holy Communion am enjoying the delights of Paradise. O Heart of my Jesus, Heart too sweet, if You willed me to have a good share in them (in the sufferings of St Laurence) be it so; enough that I come to Thee always with the fear of offending Thee. I have put two souls together: that of a Saint and that of a sinful creature. Could I have felt otherwise than confounded? I wished through this Saint to offer Thee my sinful soul; but I fear, I fear, because I know it is guilty before Thee; I would fain have Thee see it beautiful as when Thy Hands gave it me.”

And writing to her director she said:

“That which makes me feel anxious is, that frequent Communion, the Bread of Angels has not infused into my soul all those graces that It conferred on so many others in abundance. And the evil, I know it, is because my few virtues are weak, and I come to Jesus without merit. Help, help, my father! I could by this time have reached advanced degrees of holiness and instead, I have gone back, to the loss of my poor soul. At times, believe me, father, I tremble and blush all over when I think that, being so vile, I go to receive Jesus Who is purity itself. But Jesus, dear Jesus, loves me even in this state, and continues to make Himself felt in my soul.”

Behold how Gemma prepared herself for the Holy Communion, and with what sentiments of faith, of abandonment, of desire, of love, and above all of humility she approached It. What wonder then that the fruits she gathered from It were not small, as she said and thought, but abundant and precious? And what wonder that our Lord showed such great complacence in the Communions of His Servant? He made her feel His presence, as she herself used to say “strongly, strongly” in her heart during those blessed moments, loading her with consolations, sweetness and peace, that from her soul flowed even into her bodily senses, and beautified her whole being.

The Sacred Species themselves often produced on her palate a most delicious sensation; she felt them descending into her interior as if they were a balm, and sometimes also the Divine Lover made her feel the impression and taste of His Precious Blood in the Holy Communion.

“Yesterday, Feast of the Purification,” she said, “after Communion. I felt all my mouth full of Our Savior’s Precious Blood. Oh! how good it was! It did me so much good! And I clasped my arms that it might enter my heart. Oh that you had felt, father, the good it does me to consume Jesus! I felt this (for the first time) in October from Friday at noon till the following Friday (that is for eight whole days); then it left me. This morning it has again returned; it consumes me, and I continually feel that I am about to die. Jesus overwhelms me; but oh what happiness! Have you ever felt yourself consumed? How delightful it is! The fire of my heart this morning spread as far as my throat. O Eternal Divine Fire! Look, father, if Jesus were to continue to make me feel as at present, I should not last more than a month or two; and who knows?”

And if Our Lord took such delight in Gemma’s Communions, was it possible for His Sweet Mother, who in her turn so tenderly loved this angelic girl, not to take the same delight in them?

After the many marvels we have seen up to this, I do not think anyone will be tempted to doubt the veracity of another fact that I am about to relate. It is of the Blessed Virgin, who sometimes joined the Angels of the Eucharist to assist at Gemma’s Holy Communion.

At the unexpected vision the good child went into ecstasy, palpitating with joy at her Mother’s feet. “How delightful it is,” she said to me afterwards, “to receive Holy Communion in company with my Mother of Paradise! I did so yesterday, the 8th of May. I had never before received Holy Communion in her company. Do you know, father, in what all the outpourings of my heart consisted during those moments? In these words: Oh Mother! My Mother! ” We read in the lives of different Saints, that as sometimes they were unable to go to the Church for Holy Communion, God made use of an angel, who, to satisfy their hunger for the Blessed Eucharist, acted instead of the priest and took the consecrated species to them. It appears that Our Savior Himself willed to take this great gift to Gemma; and that happened quite three times.

Here is how it is told us by one who was an eye-witness: “On the morning of the Friday on which dear Gemma for the first time underwent the cruel punishment of the Scourging, on seeing her horribly lacerated all over, I forbade her to get up. The poor child obeyed, and collecting her thoughts she set to prepare herself for a spiritual Communion, for which she used to make her preparation in the same way as for her sacramental Communion in the Church.

“She went into ecstasy, and at a given moment I saw her join her hands and return to herself, while her eyes sparkled and her face suddenly lit up as usually happened when she had some extraordinary vision. At the same moment she put out her tongue and soon withdrew it, returning into ecstasy to make her usual thanksgiving. The same thing happened on the following Friday, and we believe it happened at other times as well, but I was not then a witness. I learned from Gemma herself, who quite candidly told me of it, that it was Jesus and not an Angel Who came to communicate her.”

After all that has been said of the hunger and thirst of this fervent Soul for the Blessed Sacrament, it is easy to understand what a terrible affliction it must have been for her not to be able to go to the Church for Holy Communion. This occurred but very seldom and only when she was dangerously ill. She prayed and besought our Lord to make her well enough to get up, and if He willed her to suffer, that her pains might be increased a hundredfold and she would willingly accept them, “rather than remain (these are her words) deprived of the Bread of Life.”

And in order to prevail with Him more surely she added: “To an ardent Lover as You art O Lord, so many entreaties are not needed; He understands at the first word. Then say yes, and I come.” And as a rule that most ardent Lover said yes, and Gemma strengthened by her great faith was able to rise, although a little time before her temperature had gone up to 104 degrees. When, however, Our Lord disposed otherwise, this good child bowed her head saying, “Fiat” and contented herself with a spiritual Communion only.

In this as well, the spiritual communications she received were so many and such, that they amply repaid her for the sensible privation of the Divine Food. On one occasion her ordinary confessor, with a view to try her, feigned to deprive her of Holy Communion. See now in what terms she told me of her misfortune:

“O father, father, today at 5 o’clock I went to confession, and the confessor said he would deprive me of Jesus. O father, my pen refuses to write, my hand is shaking and I am crying.” These words in the letter I am copying are certainly written with a trembling hand. However, entering quickly into herself as was her way she continues: “Jesus be thanked! For I have one who knows me and will help me to gain Paradise. No, father, I am not in any way worthy to receive Jesus. How very many times has He not willed to come into this foul heart, that is worse than a cesspit At this moment I see my misery so clearly that I would, I would . . . O father, father!”

She wished to say: “You understand me without my adding more.” At the same time I must add, that it became quite clear from what that enlightened confessor said to members of her family, that he was very far from depriving Gemma of Holy Communion.

“Do all you possibly can,” he said, “to accompany the poor child to the Church even though she be ill, for otherwise, without Holy Communion, how could she live?”

Once it seemed to her that she ought not to go to Holy Communion without confession, because of some great fault that the devil persuaded her she had committed. She suffered and cried all night at not seeing it possible to find her confessor in time. In the morning she went to Church and without going to Communion came back in tears. She had scarcely got home when she was rapt in ecstasy, and the enemy feigning to be Jesus appeared to her with the intention of tempting her to despair.

The scene was most affecting and drew tears from those present. Through the penetrating light of the ecstasy Gemma discovered the snare.

“No,” she exclaimed with feeble and labored voice, “I don’t want thee. Oh! where is my Jesus gone? O Jesus, where art You? It is true Jesus has not come to me this morning; but neither shalt you enter in; I will not have thee. Jesus, drive him away from me. But how, O Jesus do You allow the Demon to come near Thy place in false guise? Conquer You O Jesus in my heart that longs for Thee; be quick Jesus for my heart desires Thee. O do You not see how it suffers? Drive away that liar; do You not see how he would fain make me fall into sin? Why leave me thus? It is true, I have been the first to leave Thee, but I yearn for Thee. Never again leave me.”

Here it would seem that Our Lord reproached her with not having yielded to an invitation He had given her that morning to come without fear to the Holy Table. And she pleading her excuse with her usual candor answered:

“Yes, Jesus, I have resisted—but it has cost me suffering. I heard this morning’s invitation; but oh! Jesus, how should I have acted in order to receive Thee? Look, Jesus, if the Confessor had told me to go to Communion I would have gone; but he said that I cannot trust myself. And so I left Thee, because I thought I had sinned. Then Jesus forgive me, and come, come now into my heart, there Jesus, behold it is Thine! My heart is all Thine. Come and make Thyself felt; O do You not see how I languish?”

This argument and colloquy, which, for brevity’s sake I have shortened, lasted nearly an hour and ended with a complete victory of the child over the tender Heart of her Savior. To judge of it from the earnestness of her attitude and the agitation of her whole person, one would have thought that she must come out of it weary and exhausted; but it was otherwise; and when the ecstasy was over, she was calm, smiling, refreshed, and able to return immediately to her domestic occupations. See then from this fact what Holy Communion meant for Gemma.

Having treated of how the servant of God prepared to receive her Lord in the Blessed Eucharist, I ought to say something in particular of her thanksgiving after Communion. But this would entail much repetition; because the same varied impulses of faith, love, confidence, humility, abandonment, of which we have had examples in this chapter, as they went before and accompanied the solemn action, so they followed it in her thanksgiving. This began in Church and lasted as long as her companion allowed her to stay there. She afterwards continued it all through the day in the midst of her home duties. Gemma’s heart was filled by her Communion and kept overflowing. It had to give vent and her body unable to resist so many impulses, from time to time lost the use of its senses. This explains the frequency of her ecstasies from the time of her return from Church till the evening, and the repetition in them of the stimulating impressions received in the morning from the Bread of Life.

Her saying was that “she would have wished to bury in her heart for ever” that dear Jesus Who had come to her at the Altar; and she would have wished Him “to make her know in what measure and to what extent her love ought to excel in order to repay His Infinite Goodness.” And here not knowing what else to do, she poured out her soul exclaiming: “My God, my Jesus, my Father, my Sweetness, Consolation of all Thy creatures, Love that sustains me, Fire that burns never to be extinguished.”

Then she implored of Him that it might be His Will for her “to be consumed in that Fire.” She turned to the Angels, to her heavenly Mother, to her patron saints, that they might help her to bless, praise, thank, and love Jesus in the Blessed Eucharist. And in this way also one can understand those ardent letters that she often wrote during the course of the day.

Whatever chanced to be the subject of them, the thought of the Blessed Sacrament was found to have a place if indeed it was not the chief thought. When writing on this subject so affectingly sweet to her heart she generally lost the use of her senses; and yet thus in ecstasy she continued to write. She was full of Jesus; and the mouth speaks and the hand writes from the fullness of the heart. When speaking of the painful trials to which Our Lord willed to subject His faithful servant, I mentioned that of spiritual aridity or desolation, remarking that it was the most torturing of all. And surely to seek Jesus and not find Him; to call on Him and receive no answer; this for a soul who lives for Him alone, and takes pleasure only in Him is a torment of which no one can form any idea who has not experienced it.

We have seen that this Sacrament of Love was Gemma’s Heaven; Jesus on the Altar was everything to her; she lived in this ravishing Mystery, and found in It all her happiness. But God Who knows the work He is doing in the sanctification of souls subjected His handmaid to this trial from time to time. Then He not only withdrew the joy she felt before the Sacred Tabernacle and at the Holy Table, but He hid Himself from her behind a dense veil. “O father, father,” she exclaimed when revealing her anguish to me, “all those consolations that I felt every morning after Holy Communion and that lasted me all the day, have turned into so many agitations of soul. I know not what has happened.”

And another time after having spoken to me of certain extraordinary communications she had in Communion, she added: “But there are days when it is not so; for the last three mornings after I have received Him Jesus has hidden Himself and remained silent, making me die of desire. Thus I have passed the time, and can do nothing else.”

So this tender lover expressed herself through a sense of humility, but in reality she never was more active and fervent than in those times of desolation. She ran to the Church and whether her God saw her or not, heard her or remained deaf to her prayers, she sought Him always with ardent anxiety while almost dying with desire, with a longing, as she expressed herself, that “consumed” her. What has been related in this CHAPTER goes far to show how wonderfully God manifests Himself to faithful souls in the Divine Eucharist.