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The Confessions Of Saint Augustine

Great art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy power,and Thy wisdom infinite. And Thee would man praise; man, but a particleof Thy creation; man, that bears about him his mortality, the witnessof his sin, the witness that Thou resistest the proud: yet would manpraise Thee; he, but a particle of Thy creation. Thou awakest us todelight in Thy praise; for Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart isrestless, until it repose in Thee. Grant me, Lord, to know andunderstand which is first, to call on Thee or to praise Thee? and,again, to know Thee or to call on Thee? for who can call on Thee, notknowing Thee? for he that knoweth Thee not, may call on Thee as otherthan Thou art. Or, is it rather, that we call on Thee that we may knowThee? but how shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? orhow shall they believe without a preacher? and they that seek the Lordshall praise Him: for they that seek shall find Him, and they that findshall praise Him. I will seek Thee, Lord, by calling on Thee; and willcall on Thee, believing in Thee; for to us hast Thou been preached. Myfaith, Lord, shall call on Thee, which Thou hast given me, wherewithThou hast inspired me, through the Incarnation of Thy Son, through theministry of the Preacher.

And how shall I call upon my God, my God and Lord, since, when I callfor Him, I shall be calling Him to myself? and what room is therewithin me, whither my God can come into me? whither can God come intome, God who made heaven and earth? is there, indeed, O Lord my God,aught in me that can contain Thee? do then heaven and earth, which Thouhast made, and wherein Thou hast made me, contain Thee? or, becausenothing which exists could exist without Thee, doth therefore whateverexists contain Thee? Since, then, I too exist, why do I seek that Thoushouldest enter into me, who were not, wert Thou not in me? Why?because I am not gone down in hell, and yet Thou art there also. For ifI go down into hell, Thou art there. I could not be then, O my God,could not be at all, wert Thou not in me; or, rather, unless I were inThee, of whom are all things, by whom are all things, in whom are allthings? Even so, Lord, even so. Whither do I call Thee, since I am inThee? or whence canst Thou enter into me? for whither can I go beyondheaven and earth, that thence my God should come into me, who hathsaid, I fill the heaven and the earth.

Do the heaven and earth then contain Thee, since Thou fillest them? ordost Thou fill them and yet overflow, since they do not contain Thee?And whither, when the heaven and the earth are filled, pourest Thouforth the remainder of Thyself? or hast Thou no need that aught containThee, who containest all things, since what Thou fillest Thou fillestby containing it? for the vessels which Thou fillest uphold Thee not,since, though they were broken, Thou wert not poured out. And when Thouart poured out on us, Thou art not cast down, but Thou upliftest us;Thou art not dissipated, but Thou gatherest us. But Thou who fillestall things, fillest Thou them with Thy whole self? or, since all thingscannot contain Thee wholly, do they contain part of Thee? and all atonce the same part? or each its own part, the greater more, the smallerless? And is, then, one part of Thee greater, another less? or, artThou wholly every where, while nothing contains Thee wholly?

What art Thou then, my God? what, but the Lord God? For who is Lord butthe Lord? or who is God save our God? Most highest, most good, mostpotent, most omnipotent; most merciful, yet most just; most hidden, yetmost present; most beautiful, yet most strong, stable, yetincomprehensible; unchangeable, yet all-changing; never new, never old;all-renewing, and bringing age upon the proud, and they know it not;ever working, ever at rest; still gathering, yet nothing lacking;supporting, filling, and overspreading; creating, nourishing, andmaturing; seeking, yet having all things. Thou lovest, without passion;art jealous, without anxiety; repentest, yet grievest not; art angry,yet serene; changest Thy works, Thy purpose unchanged; receivest againwhat Thou findest, yet didst never lose; never in need, yet rejoicingin gains; never covetous, yet exacting usury. Thou receivest over andabove, that Thou mayest owe; and who hath aught that is not Thine? Thoupayest debts, owing nothing; remittest debts, losing nothing. And whathad I now said, my God, my life, my holy joy? or what saith any manwhen he speaks of Thee? Yet woe to him that speaketh not, since muteare even the most eloquent.

Oh! that I might repose on Thee! Oh! that Thou wouldest enter into myheart, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and embrace Thee,my sole good! What art Thou to me? In Thy pity, teach me to utter it.Or what am I to Thee that Thou demandest my love, and, if I give itnot, art wroth with me, and threatenest me with grievous woes? Is itthen a slight woe to love Thee not? Oh! for Thy mercies' sake, tell me,O Lord my God, what Thou art unto me. Say unto my soul, I am thysalvation. So speak, that I may hear. Behold, Lord, my heart is beforeThee; open Thou the ears thereof, and say unto my soul, I am thysalvation. After this voice let me haste, and take hold on Thee. Hidenot Thy face from me. Let me die--lest I die--only let me see Thy face.Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayestenter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which mustoffend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it? orto whom should I cry, save Thee? Lord, cleanse me from my secretfaults, and spare Thy servant from the power of the enemy. I believe,and therefore do I speak. Lord, Thou knowest. Have I not confessedagainst myself my transgressions unto Thee, and Thou, my God, hastforgiven the iniquity of my heart? I contend not in judgment with Thee,who art the truth; I fear to deceive myself; lest mine iniquity lieunto itself. Therefore I contend not in judgment with Thee; for ifThou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall abide it?

Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust and ashes. Yet sufferme to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thoutoo, perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassionupon me. For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know notwhence I came into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death.Then immediately did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as Iheard (for I remember it not) from the parents of my flesh, out ofwhose substance Thou didst sometime fashion me. Thus there received methe comforts of woman's milk. For neither my mother nor my nursesstored their own breasts for me; but Thou didst bestow the food of myinfancy through them, according to Thine ordinance, whereby Thoudistributest Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thoualso gavest me to desire no more than Thou gavest; and to my nurseswillingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with aheaven-taught affection, willingly gave me what they abounded with fromThee. For this my good from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, fromthem was it, but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all goodthings, and from my God is all my health. This I since learned, Thou,through these Thy gifts, within me and without, proclaiming Thyselfunto me. For then I knew but to suck; to repose in what pleased, andcry at what offended my flesh; nothing more.Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking: for so it wastold me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in otherinfants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, Ibecame conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishesto those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes werewithin me, and they without; nor could they by any sense of theirsenter within my spirit. So I flung about at random limbs and voice,making the few signs I could, and such as I could, like, though intruth very little like, what I wished. And when I was not presentlyobeyed (my wishes being hurtful or unintelligible), then I wasindignant with my elders for not submitting to me, with those owing meno service, for not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears.Such have I learnt infants to be from observing them; and that I wasmyself such, they, all unconscious, have shown me better than my nurseswho knew it.And, lo! my infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, whofor ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the foundation ofthe worlds, and before all that can be called "before," Thou art, andart God and Lord of all which Thou hast created: in Thee abide, fixedfor ever, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all thingschangeable, the springs abide in Thee unchangeable: and in Thee livethe eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord,to me, Thy suppliant; say, all-pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say,did my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it? was itthat which I spent within my mother's womb? for of that I have heardsomewhat, and have myself seen women with child? and what before thatlife again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have Inone to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others,nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid mepraise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that I do know?I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for myfirst rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing;for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as tohimself; and believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then Ihad being and life, and (at my infancy's close) I could seek for signswhereby to make known to others my sensations. Whence could such abeing be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? or canthere elsewhere be derived any vein, which may stream essence and lifeinto us, save from thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are one? forThou Thyself art supremely Essence and Life. For Thou art most high,and art not changed, neither in Thee doth to-day come to a close; yetin Thee doth it come to a close; because all such things also are inThee. For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldest them. Andsince Thy years fail not, Thy years are one to-day. How many of oursand our fathers' years have flowed away through Thy "to-day," and fromit received the measure and the mould of such being as they had; andstill others shall flow away, and so receive the mould of their degreeof being. But Thou art still the same, and all things of tomorrow, andall beyond, and all of yesterday, and all behind it, Thou hast doneto-day. What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him alsorejoice and say, What thing is this? Let him rejoice even thus! and becontent rather by not discovering to discover Thee, than by discoveringnot to discover Thee.

Hear, O God. Alas, for man's sin! So saith man, and Thou pitiest him;for Thou madest him, but sin in him Thou madest not. Who remindeth meof the sins of my infancy? for in Thy sight none is pure from sin, noteven the infant whose life is but a day upon the earth. Who remindethme? doth not each little infant, in whom I see what of myself Iremember not? What then was my sin? was it that I hung upon the breastand cried? for should I now so do for food suitable to my age, justlyshould I be laughed at and reproved. What I then did was worthyreproof; but since I could not understand reproof, custom and reasonforbade me to be reproved. For those habits, when grown, we root outand cast away. Now no man, though he prunes, wittingly casts away whatis good. Or was it then good, even for a while, to cry for what, ifgiven, would hurt? bitterly to resent, that persons free, and its ownelders, yea, the very authors of its birth, served it not? that manybesides, wiser than it, obeyed not the nod of its good pleasure? to doits best to strike and hurt, because commands were not obeyed, whichhad been obeyed to its hurt? The weakness then of infant limbs, not itswill, is its innocence. Myself have seen and known even a baby envious;it could not speak, yet it turned pale and looked bitterly on itsfoster-brother. Who knows not this? Mothers and nurses tell you thatthey allay these things by I know not what remedies. Is that tooinnocence, when the fountain of milk is flowing in rich abundance, notto endure one to share it, though in extremest need, and whose verylife as yet depends thereon? We bear gently with all this, not as beingno or slight evils, but because they will disappear as years increase;for, though tolerated now, the very same tempers are utterlyintolerable when found in riper years.Thou, then, O Lord my God, who gavest life to this my infancy,furnishing thus with senses (as we see) the frame Thou gavest,compacting its limbs, ornamenting its proportions, and, for its generalgood and safety, implanting in it all vital functions, Thou commandestme to praise Thee in these things, to confess unto Thee, and sing untoThy name, Thou most Highest. For Thou art God, Almighty and Good, evenhadst Thou done nought but only this, which none could do but Thou:whose Unity is the mould of all things; who out of Thy own fairnessmakest all things fair; and orderest all things by Thy law. This agethen, Lord, whereof I have no remembrance, which I take on others'word, and guess from other infants that I have passed, true though theguess be, I am yet loth to count in this life of mine which I live inthis world. For no less than that which I spent in my mother's womb, isit hid from me in the shadows of forgetfulness. But if I was shapen ininiquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me, where, I beseech Thee,O my God, where, Lord, or when, was I Thy servant guiltless? But, lo!that period I pass by; and what have I now to do with that, of which Ican recall no vestige?

Passing hence from infancy, I came to boyhood, or rather it came to me,displacing infancy. Nor did that depart,--(for whither went it?)--andyet it was no more. For I was no longer a speechless infant, but aspeaking boy. This I remember; and have since observed how I learned tospeak. It was not that my elders taught me words (as, soon after, otherlearning) in any set method; but I, longing by cries and broken accentsand various motions of my limbs to express my thoughts, that so I mighthave my will, and yet unable to express all I willed, or to whom Iwilled, did myself, by the understanding which Thou, my God, gavest me,practise the sounds in my memory. When they named any thing, and asthey spoke turned towards it, I saw and remembered that they calledwhat they would point out by the name they uttered. And that they meantthis thing and no other was plain from the motion of their body, thenatural language, as it were, of all nations, expressed by thecountenance, glances of the eye, gestures of the limbs, and tones ofthe voice, indicating the affections of the mind, as it pursues,possesses, rejects, or shuns. And thus by constantly hearing words, asthey occurred in various sentences, I collected gradually for what theystood; and having broken in my mouth to these signs, I thereby gaveutterance to my will. Thus I exchanged with those about me thesecurrent signs of our wills, and so launched deeper into the stormyintercourse of human life, yet depending on parental authority and thebeck of elders.

O God my God, what miseries and mockeries did I now experience, whenobedience to my teachers was proposed to me, as proper in a boy, inorder that in this world I might prosper, and excel in tongue-science,which should serve to the "praise of men," and to deceitful riches.Next I was put to school to get learning, in which I (poor wretch) knewnot what use there was; and yet, if idle in learning, I was beaten. Forthis was judged right by our forefathers; and many, passing the samecourse before us, framed for us weary paths, through which we were fainto pass; multiplying toil and grief upon the sons of Adam. But, Lord,we found that men called upon Thee, and we learnt from them to think ofThee (according to our powers) as of some great One, who, though hiddenfrom our senses, couldest hear and help us. For so I began, as a boy,to pray to Thee, my aid and refuge; and broke the fetters of my tongueto call on Thee, praying Thee, though small, yet with no smallearnestness, that I might not be beaten at school. And when Thouheardest me not (not thereby giving me over to folly), my elders, yeamy very parents, who yet wished me no ill, mocked my stripes, my thengreat and grievous ill.Is there, Lord, any of soul so great, and cleaving to Thee with sointense affection (for a sort of stupidity will in a way do it); but isthere any one who, from cleaving devoutly to Thee, is endued with sogreat a spirit, that he can think as lightly of the racks and hooks andother torments (against which, throughout all lands, men call on Theewith extreme dread), mocking at those by whom they are feared mostbitterly, as our parents mocked the torments which we suffered inboyhood from our masters? For we feared not our torments less; norprayed we less to Thee to escape them. And yet we sinned, in writing orreading or studying less than was exacted of us. For we wanted not, OLord, memory or capacity, whereof Thy will gave enough for our age; butour sole delight was play; and for this we were punished by those whoyet themselves were doing the like. But elder folks' idleness is called"business"; that of boys, being really the same, is punished by thoseelders; and none commiserates either boys or men. For will any of sounddiscretion approve of my being beaten as a boy, because, by playing aball, I made less progress in studies which I was to learn, only that,as a man, I might play more unbeseemingly? and what else did he whobeat me? who, if worsted in some trifling discussion with hisfellow-tutor, was more embittered and jealous than I when beaten atball by a play-fellow?

And yet, I sinned herein, O Lord God, the Creator and Disposer of allthings in nature, of sin the Disposer only, O Lord my God, I sinned intransgressing the commands of my parents and those of my masters. Forwhat they, with whatever motive, would have me learn, I mightafterwards have put to good use. For I disobeyed, not from a betterchoice, but from love of play, loving the pride of victory in mycontests, and to have my ears tickled with lying fables, that theymight itch the more; the same curiosity flashing from my eyes more andmore, for the shows and games of my elders. Yet those who give theseshows are in such esteem, that almost all wish the same for theirchildren, and yet are very willing that they should be beaten, if thosevery games detain them from the studies, whereby they would have themattain to be the givers of them. Look with pity, Lord, on these things,and deliver us who call upon Thee now; deliver those too who call noton Thee yet, that they may call on Thee, and Thou mayest deliver them.

As a boy, then, I had already heard of an eternal life, promised usthrough the humility of the Lord our God stooping to our pride; andeven from the womb of my mother, who greatly hoped in Thee, I wassealed with the mark of His cross and salted with His salt. Thousawest, Lord, how while yet a boy, being seized on a time with suddenoppression of the stomach, and like near to death--Thou sawest, my God(for Thou wert my keeper), with what eagerness and what faith I sought,from the pious care of my mother and Thy Church, the mother of us all,the baptism of Thy Christ, my God and Lord. Whereupon the mother of myflesh, being much troubled (since, with a heart pure in Thy faith, sheeven more lovingly travailed in birth of my salvation), would in eagerhaste have provided for my consecration and cleansing by thehealth-giving sacraments, confessing Thee, Lord Jesus, for theremission of sins, unless I had suddenly recovered. And so, as if Imust needs be again polluted should I live, my cleansing was deferred,because the defilements of sin would, after that washing, bring greaterand more perilous guilt. I then already believed: and my mother, andthe whole household, except my father: yet did not he prevail over thepower of my mother's piety in me, that as he did not yet believe, soneither should I. For it was her earnest care that Thou my God, ratherthan he, shouldest be my father; and in this Thou didst aid her toprevail over her husband, whom she, the better, obeyed, therein alsoobeying Thee, who hast so commanded.I beseech Thee, my God, I would fain know, if so Thou willest, for whatpurpose my baptism was then deferred? was it for my good that the reinwas laid loose, as it were, upon me, for me to sin? or was it not laidloose? If not, why does it still echo in our ears on all sides, "Lethim alone, let him do as he will, for he is not yet baptised?" but asto bodily health, no one says, "Let him be worse wounded, for he is notyet healed." How much better then, had I been at once healed; and then,by my friends' and my own, my soul's recovered health had been keptsafe in Thy keeping who gavest it. Better truly. But how many and greatwaves of temptation seemed to hang over me after my boyhood! These mymother foresaw; and preferred to expose to them the clay whence I mightafterwards be moulded, than the very cast, when made.

In boyhood itself, however (so much less dreaded for me than youth), Iloved not study, and hated to be forced to it. Yet I was forced; andthis was well done towards me, but I did not well; for, unless forced,I had not learnt. But no one doth well against his will, even thoughwhat he doth, be well. Yet neither did they well who forced me, butwhat was well came to me from Thee, my God. For they were regardlesshow I should employ what they forced me to learn, except to satiate theinsatiate desires of a wealthy beggary, and a shameful glory. But Thou,by whom the very hairs of our head are numbered, didst use for my goodthe error of all who urged me to learn; and my own, who would notlearn, Thou didst use for my punishment--a fit penalty for one, sosmall a boy and so great a sinner. So by those who did not well, Thoudidst well for me; and by my own sin Thou didst justly punish me. ForThou hast commanded, and so it is, that every inordinate affectionshould be its own punishment.

But why did I so much hate the Greek, which I studied as a boy? I donot yet fully know. For the Latin I loved; not what my first masters,but what the so-called grammarians taught me. For those first lessons,reading, writing and arithmetic, I thought as great a burden andpenalty as any Greek. And yet whence was this too, but from the sin andvanity of this life, because I was flesh, and a breath that passethaway and cometh not again? For those first lessons were bettercertainly, because more certain; by them I obtained, and still retain,the power of reading what I find written, and myself writing what Iwill; whereas in the others, I was forced to learn the wanderings ofone Aeneas, forgetful of my own, and to weep for dead Dido, because shekilled herself for love; the while, with dry eyes, I endured mymiserable self dying among these things, far from Thee, O God my life.For what more miserable than a miserable being who commiserates nothimself; weeping the death of Dido for love to Aeneas, but weeping nothis own death for want of love to Thee, O God. Thou light of my heart,Thou bread of my inmost soul, Thou Power who givest vigour to my mind,who quickenest my thoughts, I loved Thee not. I committed fornicationagainst Thee, and all around me thus fornicating there echoed "Welldone! well done!" for the friendship of this world is fornicationagainst Thee; and "Well done! well done!" echoes on till one is ashamednot to be thus a man. And for all this I wept not, I who wept for Didoslain, and "seeking by the sword a stroke and wound extreme," myselfseeking the while a worse extreme, the extremest and lowest of Thycreatures, having forsaken Thee, earth passing into the earth. And ifforbid to read all this, I was grieved that I might not read whatgrieved me. Madness like this is thought a higher and a richerlearning, than that by which I learned to read and write.But now, my God, cry Thou aloud in my soul; and let Thy truth tell me,"Not so, not so. Far better was that first study." For, lo, I wouldreadily forget the wanderings of Aeneas and all the rest, rather thanhow to read and write. But over the entrance of the Grammar School is avail drawn! true; yet is this not so much an emblem of aught recondite,as a cloak of error. Let not those, whom I no longer fear, cry outagainst me, while I confess to Thee, my God, whatever my soul will, andacquiesce in the condemnation of my evil ways, that I may love Thy goodways. Let not either buyers or sellers of grammar-learning cry outagainst me. For if I question them whether it be true that Aeneas cameon a time to Carthage, as the poet tells, the less learned will replythat they know not, the more learned that he never did. But should Iask with what letters the name "Aeneas" is written, every one who haslearnt this will answer me aright, as to the signs which men haveconventionally settled. If, again, I should ask which might beforgotten with least detriment to the concerns of life, reading andwriting or these poetic fictions? who does not foresee what all mustanswer who have not wholly forgotten themselves? I sinned, then, whenas a boy I preferred those empty to those more profitable studies, orrather loved the one and hated the other. "One and one, two"; "two andtwo, four"; this was to me a hateful singsong: "the wooden horse linedwith armed men," and "the burning of Troy," and "Creusa's shade and sadsimilitude," were the choice spectacle of my vanity.

Why then did I hate the Greek classics, which have the like tales? ForHomer also curiously wove the like fictions, and is most sweetly-vain,yet was he bitter to my boyish taste. And so I suppose would Virgil beto Grecian children, when forced to learn him as I was Homer.Difficulty, in truth, the difficulty of a foreign tongue, dashed, as itwere, with gall all the sweetness of Grecian fable. For not one word ofit did I understand, and to make me understand I was urged vehementlywith cruel threats and punishments. Time was also (as an infant) I knewno Latin; but this I learned without fear or suffering, by mereobservation, amid the caresses of my nursery and jests of friends,smiling and sportively encouraging me. This I learned without anypressure of punishment to urge me on, for my heart urged me to givebirth to its conceptions, which I could only do by learning words notof those who taught, but of those who talked with me; in whose earsalso I gave birth to the thoughts, whatever I conceived. No doubt,then, that a free curiosity has more force in our learning thesethings, than a frightful enforcement. Only this enforcement restrainsthe rovings of that freedom, through Thy laws, O my God, Thy laws, fromthe master's cane to the martyr's trials, being able to temper for us awholesome bitter, recalling us to Thyself from that deadly pleasurewhich lures us from Thee.

Hear, Lord, my prayer; let not my soul faint under Thy discipline, norlet me faint in confessing unto Thee all Thy mercies, whereby Thou hastdrawn me out of all my most evil ways, that Thou mightest become adelight to me above all the allurements which I once pursued; that Imay most entirely love Thee, and clasp Thy hand with all my affections,and Thou mayest yet rescue me from every temptation, even unto the end.For lo, O Lord, my King and my God, for Thy service be whatever usefulthing my childhood learned; for Thy service, that I speak, write, read,reckon. For Thou didst grant me Thy discipline, while I was learningvanities; and my sin of delighting in those vanities Thou hastforgiven. In them, indeed, I learnt many a useful word, but these mayas well be learned in things not vain; and that is the safe path forthe steps of youth.

But woe is thee, thou torrent of human custom! Who shall stand againstthee? how long shalt thou not be dried up? how long roll the sons ofEve into that huge and hideous ocean, which even they scarcely overpasswho climb the cross? Did not I read in thee of Jove the thunderer andthe adulterer? both, doubtless, he could not be; but so the feignedthunder might countenance and pander to real adultery. And now which ofour gowned masters lends a sober ear to one who from their own schoolcries out, "These were Homer's fictions, transferring things human tothe gods; would he had brought down things divine to us!" Yet moretruly had he said, "These are indeed his fictions; but attributing adivine nature to wicked men, that crimes might be no longer crimes, andwhoso commits them might seem to imitate not abandoned men, but thecelestial gods."And yet, thou hellish torrent, into thee are cast the sons of men withrich rewards, for compassing such learning; and a great solemnity ismade of it, when this is going on in the forum, within sight of lawsappointing a salary beside the scholar's payments; and thou lashest thyrocks and roarest, "Hence words are learnt; hence eloquence; mostnecessary to gain your ends, or maintain opinions." As if we shouldhave never known such words as "golden shower," "lap," "beguile,""temples of the heavens," or others in that passage, unless Terence hadbrought a lewd youth upon the stage, setting up Jupiter as his exampleof seduction."Viewing a picture, where the tale was drawn,Of Jove's descending in a golden showerTo Danae's lap a woman to beguile."And then mark how he excites himself to lust as by celestial authority:

"And what God? Great Jove,Who shakes heaven's highest temples with his thunder,And I, poor mortal man, not do the same!I did it, and with all my heart I did it."Not one whit more easily are the words learnt for all this vileness;but by their means the vileness is committed with less shame. Not thatI blame the words, being, as it were, choice and precious vessels; butthat wine of error which is drunk to us in them by intoxicatedteachers; and if we, too, drink not, we are beaten, and have no soberjudge to whom we may appeal. Yet, O my God (in whose presence I nowwithout hurt may remember this), all this unhappily I learnt willinglywith great delight, and for this was pronounced a hopeful boy.

Bear with me, my God, while I say somewhat of my wit, Thy gift, and onwhat dotages I wasted it. For a task was set me, troublesome enough tomy soul, upon terms of praise or shame, and fear of stripes, to speakthe words of Juno, as she raged and mourned that she could not"This Trojan prince from Latinum turn."Which words I had heard that Juno never uttered; but we were forced togo astray in the footsteps of these poetic fictions, and to say inprose much what he expressed in verse. And his speaking was mostapplauded, in whom the passions of rage and grief were most preeminent,and clothed in the most fitting language, maintaining the dignity ofthe character. What is it to me, O my true life, my God, that mydeclamation was applauded above so many of my own age and class? is notall this smoke and wind? and was there nothing else whereon to exercisemy wit and tongue? Thy praises, Lord, Thy praises might have stayed theyet tender shoot of my heart by the prop of Thy Scriptures; so had itnot trailed away amid these empty trifles, a defiled prey for the fowlsof the air. For in more ways than one do men sacrifice to therebellious angels.

But what marvel that I was thus carried away to vanities, and went outfrom Thy presence, O my God, when men were set before me as models,who, if in relating some action of theirs, in itself not ill, theycommitted some barbarism or solecism, being censured, were abashed; butwhen in rich and adomed and well-ordered discourse they related theirown disordered life, being bepraised, they gloried? These things Thouseest, Lord, and holdest Thy peace; long-suffering, and plenteous inmercy and truth. Wilt Thou hold Thy peace for ever? and even now Thoudrawest out of this horrible gulf the soul that seeketh Thee, thatthirsteth for Thy pleasures, whose heart saith unto Thee, I have soughtThy face; Thy face, Lord, will I seek. For darkened affections isremoval from Thee. For it is not by our feet, or change of place, thatmen leave Thee, or return unto Thee. Or did that Thy younger son lookout for horses or chariots, or ships, fly with visible wings, orjourney by the motion of his limbs, that he might in a far countrywaste in riotous living all Thou gavest at his departure? a lovingFather, when Thou gavest, and more loving unto him, when he returnedempty. So then in lustful, that is, in darkened affections, is the truedistance from Thy face.Behold, O Lord God, yea, behold patiently as Thou art wont howcarefully the sons of men observe the covenanted rules of letters andsyllables received from those who spake before them, neglecting theeternal covenant of everlasting salvation received from Thee. Insomuch,that a teacher or learner of the hereditary laws of pronunciation willmore offend men by speaking without the aspirate, of a "uman being," indespite of the laws of grammar, than if he, a "human being," hate a"human being" in despite of Thine. As if any enemy could be morehurtful than the hatred with which he is incensed against him; or couldwound more deeply him whom he persecutes, than he wounds his own soulby his enmity. Assuredly no science of letters can be so innate as therecord of conscience, "that he is doing to another what from another hewould be loth to suffer." How deep are Thy ways, O God, Thou onlygreat, that sittest silent on high and by an unwearied law dispensingpenal blindness to lawless desires. In quest of the fame of eloquence,a man standing before a human judge, surrounded by a human throng,declaiming against his enemy with fiercest hatred, will take heed mostwatchfully, lest, by an error of the tongue, he murder the word "humanbeing"; but takes no heed, lest, through the fury of his spirit, hemurder the real human being.This was the world at whose gate unhappy I lay in my boyhood; this thestage where I had feared more to commit a barbarism, than havingcommitted one, to envy those who had not. These things I speak andconfess to Thee, my God; for which I had praise from them, whom I thenthought it all virtue to please. For I saw not the abyss of vileness,wherein I was cast away from Thine eyes. Before them what more foulthan I was already, displeasing even such as myself? with innumerablelies deceiving my tutor, my masters, my parents, from love of play,eagerness to see vain shows and restlessness to imitate them! Theftsalso I committed, from my parents' cellar and table, enslaved bygreediness, or that I might have to give to boys, who sold me theirplay, which all the while they liked no less than I. In this play, too,I often sought unfair conquests, conquered myself meanwhile by vaindesire of preeminence. And what could I so ill endure, or, when Idetected it, upbraided I so fiercely, as that I was doing to others?and for which if, detected, I was upbraided, I chose rather to quarrelthan to yield. And is this the innocence of boyhood? Not so, Lord, notso; I cry Thy mercy, my God. For these very sins, as riper yearssucceed, these very sins are transferred from tutors and masters, fromnuts and balls and sparrows, to magistrates and kings, to gold andmanors and slaves, just as severer punishments displace the cane. Itwas the low stature then of childhood which Thou our King didst commendas an emblem of lowliness, when Thou saidst, Of such is the kingdom ofheaven.Yet, Lord, to Thee, the Creator and Governor of the universe, mostexcellent and most good, thanks were due to Thee our God, even hadstThou destined for me boyhood only. For even then I was, I lived, andfelt; and had an implanted providence over my well-being--a trace ofthat mysterious Unity whence I was derived; I guarded by the inwardsense the entireness of my senses, and in these minute pursuits, and inmy thoughts on things minute, I learnt to delight in truth, I hated tobe deceived, had a vigorous memory, was gifted with speech, was soothedby friendship, avoided pain, baseness, ignorance. In so small acreature, what was not wonderful, not admirable? But all are gifts ofmy God: it was not I who gave them me; and good these are, and thesetogether are myself. Good, then, is He that made me, and He is my good;and before Him will I exult for every good which of a boy I had. For itwas my sin, that not in Him, but in His creatures--myself and others--Isought for pleasures, sublimities, truths, and so fell headlong intosorrows, confusions, errors. Thanks be to Thee, my joy and my glory andmy confidence, my God, thanks be to Thee for Thy gifts; but do Thoupreserve them to me. For so wilt Thou preserve me, and those thingsshall be enlarged and perfected which Thou hast given me, and I myselfshall be with Thee, since even to be Thou hast given me.

 

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